How does it feel to be emotionally abused?
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Emotional and Psychological Abuse
When I ask myself, "What was it like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship?" "How did it feel to be in a toxic relationship?" Trauma feels differently for different people, for me body tenses up, my jaw and throat become like rocks, my shoulders hurt. Heartbreaking pain becomes suffocating. The pressure is so heavy that it is depilating. A brain-fog that obscures all directions leaving me feeling lost, helpless and alone. But it's more than just painful feelings. There is fear. The terror of impending doom. The terror of the rages, the punishments, the blame, guilt, shame and obligations. The terror of what happens when the abuser is mad or becomes triggered. The terror of your own body and soul being turned against you. Emotional abuse comes slowly and in layers. Rarely does abuse manifest until after there has been a long-term commitment, marriage, or investment. Abuse becomes like an autoimmune disease where our body and soul learns to attacks itself. It is the process where your very soul is weaponized and used against you. Wounds can be created that take far longer than physical damage to heal. First Layer of Abuse - Trust: Your abuser is a trusted person. In my case, my first boyfriend and then-husband. I took a while to get to know him, to vet him, to create an emotional bond. To love. To hope. To dream. To feel connected, to feel desire and loyalty. To believe in a future together. To share secrets and feel safe and secure. To believe I had found a soulmate, someone who magically had similar values and life goals. The excitement of finding someone so like-minded that I felt known, seen, understood, approved, validated and valuable. Someone who I trust at this deep level, who sees my soul and shares my heart, someone you reach emotional highs and depths with is someone with whom I am completely vulnerable. Second Layer - Loyalty and the Bond that comes with Love To be loyal and love is not always a gift. It is the ability to stand by someone no matter what. To see them in a positive light and do anything to be there for them. It is the highest level of venerability and commitment. This commitment is born during the dating phase, when they begin to mirror and take on your values to help you feel love. The "love bombing" is when they treat you better than anyone has ever treated you before. They build up your talents, beauty and yet get you hooked on them as well. Once this love and loyalty have been formed it is not tool for power, control and manipulation. This loyalty is soon weaponized and becomes part of the self destruction. Third Layer - Destruction of Personhood The destruction of personhood begins with lies. “You are being difficult.” “You are being unloving and not supportive.” “You don’t understand me.” “You are a rebellious wife.” “You can’t be trusted.” “You talk too much.” “You are not following me.” “You are not being loving.” “You are not Listening to me” “It is your fault I am angry and frustrated.” “It is your fault we are not connected.” “It is your fault you feel alone and hurt.” “It is your fault I feel hurt” “Try harder.” “You are selfish.” “You wouldn’t understand.” “I own you.” “You are not enough.” “You are nothing.” The destruction of personhood takes the virtues, values, hopes and your very own soul and weaponizes them against you. To have a your own soul weaponized against you keeps you controlled and a source for their own identity and value. The desire to be loving becomes a tool in the abuser’s hands. They soon critically say, “You are not loving and if you were loving, you would do XYZ better.” You try everything to be enough until you are no longer a person. Fourth Layer - Control and Punishment They train you to throw yourself away instead of the relationship. With no value left in yourself and with threats, shame, fear and guilt hanging on over your head at all times you are more afraid of the loss and unknown than leaving the relationship. Leaving the abuse will bring forth shame as your friends and family will heap unintended secondary abuse. You may feel stuck because it feels safer to stay with the monster you know then then the monster you don't know. Perhaps you think its best for the kids to stay? Fifth Layer - The Cycle Each time when I got to end of my rope and was about to throw my wedding ring out the window, the abuser would introduce a false hope. Then and only then would a change would be made by the abuser and it would appeal to my loyalty and soul. He would change reality to fit his view of life. I would doubt my very own reality. He would appeal to my desire to be a loving and supportive person. I would believe it was the right thing to stay and try harder. I would appeal to my inner strength to find another way. This abuse cycle is false hope. It never lasts long and leads to more intense destruction. When I woke up from the hope of the abuse cycle, I would find myself deeper in, more enslaved, more lost and alone. The abuse cycle leads deeper and deeper away from freedom. It weakens and engulfs hope and the possibility of a way out. Getting Out This cycle of abuse lasts years and decades. The only way out is when you get the wakeup call, when you hit "rock bottom", when you find you are powerless to change on your own, when you decide that something is very wrong and you need help. This could be when you begin to confide in a friend, when your life is threatened, when you almost die or when your children's lives are threatened. Most victims are so trauma-bonded that we would physically or em die. However, we will not let our children die. Often time it is the children who are our wakeup call. We ask ourselves, "Do I want my children to be abuse too?" "Do I want my children to become an abuser too?" "Do they deserve a better and safer future?" "Where can we be safe?" "Is there hope for their future?" Our silence, guilt and shame is the abusers strongest weapon to keep us stuck. Once we begin to ask ourselves these questions, we begin to share with others our sufferings, and we get help, we are able to get out for good. Resources |
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Strategies of Abusers: Using Fear, Obligation and Guilt
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To stay in control To maintain dominance and power To manipulate To stay in control: The abuser sees any independent action on the other’s part as a threat to their control of reality. They need to have control in order to keep their fears subdued. The abuser must keep the victim in the dark of their needs and methods to be effective. They want their victim to believe they are helpless without the abuser. The abuser uses fear, obligation and guilt to control the actions of the victim. For example: Making the victim afraid to do anything to make the abuser mad. The abuser shows his temper by yelling, swearing at, hitting the wall, etc. The desired result is the victim tries to keep the abuser from getting angry by doing what they want (obeying them, waiting on them, doing whatever they ask so the abuser won’t get angry or just to keep the peace). Thinking it’s just easier to go along with the abusers desires rather than having to deal with the drama of not agreeing with the abuser.
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Photos used under Creative Commons from igo.rs, Le Minh Tuan alexandermazilkin
